Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
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I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
u spoke cat all this time??????
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care