Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
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when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
So inspired right now.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
IT’S-A ME,
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two