It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Put my back out twerking in the library again