The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
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I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*