Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.