I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
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[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Whoa 😂
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
me when i see my girls butt
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Who did it better?
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.