[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
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A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*