ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
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A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Body by cheese-puffs.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”