[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
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You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa