angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
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Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Me recordaron éste meme