These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
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The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
#oldknees
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I am crying
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.