“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
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My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
My kitchen overserved me.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Never let them know your next move 😂
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks