My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
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that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Happens to everyone.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES