YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
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[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]