A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
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The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…