Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
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Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
no one ever comes back
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I don’t make the rules sorry
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?