this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
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Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
my sentiments exactly
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.