One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
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Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I wish I were this cool 😂
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.