I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
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“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you