I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
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Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
*weighs self after shaving
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today