[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
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the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Can’t. Being lazy.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys