My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
You Might Also Like
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.