“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
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Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”