SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
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Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
For the baby who has everything
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do