Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
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Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS