Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
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My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Me trying to reach for my goals
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off