Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
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they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Note to self: I am a note
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.