What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
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DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Sharon, call the vet
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.