explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
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I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?