I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
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Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
yeah no that’s fair
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.