u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
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ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.