*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
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[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on