Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
You Might Also Like
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons