“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
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My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
When the stylist spins you back around
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.