Google assistant rules
You Might Also Like
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
🛁