Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
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My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
felt that
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
If you love someone, let them tweet.