Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
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Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
happy valentine’s day to me
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close