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[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I hope Alan is OK
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them