Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
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If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Challenge accepted.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
those birds must be on payroll
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.