Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
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Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work