ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
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I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)