My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
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Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
buys donuts instead
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.