I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
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My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.