a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
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Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.