Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Greeting humans vs their dogs
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese