Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
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[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars