Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
You Might Also Like
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
fly smarter, not harder
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.