CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas