[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
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If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
my retirement plan is braless
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!