[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
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Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?